Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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