someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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