We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
