In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You made out with two different species that night
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
