I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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