All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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