just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
