for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
