I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
