filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
