why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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