she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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