Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm passing your future prison.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize