yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
