I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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