i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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