I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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