I CAN MOONWALK!
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
