Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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