Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize