she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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