he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
