Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
