is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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