come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
