Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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