Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
