watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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