Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
