My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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