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end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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