if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
