after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize