the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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