Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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