Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
