Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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