pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
