If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
