filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
