chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
