I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
