he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
