Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
