if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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