mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
