Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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