Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I fill condoms, not promises.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
