Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
