I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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