Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Randomize
