and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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