if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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