If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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