made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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