i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
