I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
