I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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