I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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