I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
