I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I cut my penus on the lid.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
