I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Floor bacon is actually really good
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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