I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
